Letter To Anas Aremeyaw Anas

Dear Anas,

How be with everything? I know you are on holidays behind your mask after completing your 2-year diploma course in Judiciary Corruption Exposure and Eradication.

Anyway, congratulations for successfully completing this course. I heard you graduated with flying colors and till now, people doubt the credibility of your grades even after you had concrete evidence. Others also don’t want your results released but don’t mind them we would still get access to it as long as Bluetooth and storage devices exist.

However, there are some things you should be doing undercover jobs on which would help those of us at the grassroots. I know you are wondering what is it that you haven’t done yet but don’t worry, I have a short list of undercover jobs for you.

First and foremost, the meats placed in pies which makes it meat-pie are no longer there. My friend, KhuuKhu Da Teshie, had the shock of his life when he bought one from a yoghurt seller and realized the meat had been replaced with air. We had to rush him to the 37 Military Hospital because the shock alone could have damaged a power bank.

Anas, please, on behalf of Ghanaians find out the cause of these missing meats. I am suspecting the Ministry of Food and Agriculture and the Ministry of Fisheries for taking the meats out of the pie and making us to eat air-pie. Please find out where they keep the meat so that we can also go for some. The fact that we are denied the National Cake doesn't mean we should not eat the National Meat.

In recent times, the New Patriotic Party has been misbehaving and this keeps me thinking if they are really prepared for a takeover in 2016.

I mean, how can the largest opposition party in the country have internal conflicts and expect to win. Every day we hear different stories and we don’t even know which one is true.

Hence, on behalf of the members of NPP, I want you to go into the matter to discover the root cause of this whole nonsense so that they can make up their mind early if they should form “Disappointed Youths of NPP” or think of joining PPP. 

When you go just ask them, like Nana Damoah’s uncle, Kapokiykyi, would say, “Enti se mo gyimi aa monhu?” To wit, “if you are fooling can’t you see?” They need answers now.

Just yesterday, Ghana was declared to be in the Highly Indebted Poor Country (HIPC) zone. It’s not like we are surprised but then it they kept too long in announcing it. The Bank of Ghana has come out to say we are not in HIPC yet and we are like, “Seriously!!!”

Anas the nonsense and lies in the country is just becoming too much at the high offices. We are there and they say we are not there yet. 

Please find out where we have got to and if BoG is saying we are not there yet, find out what is keeping them long to accept we are there.

Finally, Brother Anas, the freshers in the universities this year are not bad looking at all. I have stumbled several times on campus upon setting eyes on them. The ladies are not bad at all. Eeeeiiiii……..the way they dress alone kills me not to talk of the make-ups and hairstyles. 

I am having suspicions that this year’s admissions was done solely on beauty basis which is causing emotional mayhem and 'lectural' disorder on the various university campuses.

This time round, I don’t want you to investigate on how they were admitted. That’s not your matter. 

What I want you to do is to investigate the minds of continuing students who have already turned themselves into hunters wanting to spoil the innocent minds of these nice ladies. I also want you to help me find a suitable one who would be with me till thy kingdom come. I need a quick report on this latest by 30^th October, 2015. The rest can hold on.

This is my humble petition. Till we meet at the Oscars for the best investigative movie director, it’s au revoir from Bavard Empire to Tiger Eye City.

Sgd,

Nii Bavard