My Presidential Bid

Fellow Ghanaians, me nuanom, my brothers and sisters, I have observed with passion your sufferings and I your son, the only Fanti-Ewe who comes from all corners of this land want to contest for the presidency.

Yes, I was born in Kumasi by Fanti parents, was brought up by an Ewe maid when my mother passed on and I currently reside in Takoradi. I also understand a bit of Ga. Don't worry I also speak pidgin and French very well. Who doesn't want a bilingual president?

I know it is very difficult to contest in such an election but trust me, I know you will support me and I also have some few assets I think I can sell to launch my campaign.

For now I hate corruption, so please find below a brief declaration of my assets.
- A laptop (HP Pavilion Beats)
- A camera ( Nikon L810)
- 56 books ( Philosophy and literature)
-Some clothes and shoes
-A refurbished Sony Z3 phone
- Two bank accounts with a total amount of GHC 36.45p

Total= 4087.54 pesewas

Now that you know my assets let me start with a short speech that will put my policies to bare before you.

Just like every great leader in Africa who has always had a very poor and pathetic past,  when I become the president, I will fabricate a very sad one to earn the respect of the poor people in society.

If they know me to be one of them, they will respect me and sympathise with me.

In fact, as president of the republic, I will do away with unnecessary "ambulantic" convoy noise. I will move incognito.

The past presidents have not really been smart so they have not been able to really enjoy their terms of office. Their tenure was too mediatized so the people know too much. Even their holidays are mediatized.

When I become president, trust me, I will not be selfish, opposition parties always complain because they are not made to enjoy some of the corruption money. In fact, we will share 50/50. So that any time or anywhere that nonsense is spewed by any of them, I will refer them to that fat cheque I gave them in the dark. That way they will be enjoying power from the opposition and they will not even dare contest me again.

As a young guy who aspires to become a president, I will always dress to kill. I will do away with archaic ways of fashion, the youth must feel me. Unlike past presidents who have had missing pages during speeches, I would digitise all my speeches. I would be admired by all especially the young ladies, they should be proud of saying that "the president is my crush".

I don't want to be an old "pot-bellied" man. I will, therefore, hit the gym every day and make it compulsory for all my ministers. They all have to look skinny. We can't take any chances with our opposition. They are too loud.

As a result, I will always be in fitting clothes. Ghanaian taxpayers need to see the body that they are nourishing every year with millions of CEDIs. I promise to show my body with fitted clothes. If I become the president, which I will definitely be, I will always use God's name to defend my actions.

I know till date I have never really loved talking about God nor used his name profitably. When I become president, I will make justice to his name. Ghanaians are 'very very' religious people and the moment they hear God, they will love me passionately.

When I become president, I swear not to legalise homosexuality, but since I am personally not homophobic and I need their votes, I will promise all of them free visas to either France, USA, Argentina or any country where it is legalised for they can continue their "thing". For sure, I know my people to be crooks who want to use mischievous ways to "borga". Their numbers will increase and Ghanaians themselves will start requesting for its legalisation. Trust me I will be there for the people so I will do what they want.

As for marijuana, I will legalise it with no regrets. Even Obama and his cohorts are scared to do so.

If I legalise it, many tourists from all over the world who want to get high will visit us. We will become business barons. Trust me, the coming of tourists to our country will mean a lot. We will have more business opportunities because we will be the capital of weed. More "sisters" will have their businesses booming because very single tourist wants sex with a sweet African lady. Black Rasta would have more listeners for his 'Taxi Driver' show. Kwaw Kesse would have more friends to socialise with and would put Ghana on the world map. Our brothers will have more people to scam. What else? Everybody will be happy. In a short span, we will have a lot of money to declare ourselves a developed country.

When I become president, I will stop sharing menstrual pads and sandals in schools, I will rather share Postinor 2, Lydia and condoms rather in schools. Trust me those kids have more sex than the average married man but they are too shy to buy those stuff from the drug stores. I will be doing a great service to them and posterity. In fact, they will love me.

I also promise to make our prisons a very comfortable place. That way prisoners will stop running away and more criminals who have no food will turn themselves in. If life in the prison is better, why live free and die of hunger? Yes, better means three square meals daily, a gym club, football pitch, a library and a vocational school. Anything for them. They need more attention than the free Ghanaian.

When I become the president, I will sell ECG just like former president Kufuor sold our only telecommunication company. Unlike him, I will be doing a great service to Ghanaians.

Fellow Ghanaians, I have so much to do as a president but if I say it all here, opposition will start countering my points. Let me end here because the last time I exposed all my policies in a campus elections, my opponent won massively.

Tell him, I will make him my Chief of Staff when I become president.

Till then, keep supporting my bid for the presidency, very soon I will launch my campaign for the 2016 presidential elections in a grand style after my party, Rejected Ballots Party, ends its parliamentary primaries.

I pray you help my campaign by donating some few cedis through Tigo Cash and MTN Mobile Money. This is a noble course. Thank you for wasting your time reading.