Letter from the Mortuary

Dear Family Members,

Mourning and weeping is the last thing I ever dreamt of doing to you. But like a flower, I sprouted and outlived my usefulness to God and country. He's called me to rest cos the labourer's task is o'er.

My departure should not leave you financially stranded. Besides, how much am I leaving for you to waste that much. This is the last request you could fulfill on my behalf if you want to make me happy. Let's have a simple funeral.

While you mourn and plan towards my final journey, I would like you to go through my wardrobe and take my best of attires, if you find a suit in there, that would also do. That's what you should use to bury me wearing. Don't waste money on already made suits.

Coffins have become incredibly expensive so just buy a simple one. Besides, what is the use of termites chewing ¢10,000 worth of a coffin? I know you love me and would want me to have a befitting burial but don't waste money on something like a coffin.

I know some family members, mostly extended, would demand that you buy a cloth for the funeral. It's very needless. So assuming each month, someone dies, are you going to keep buying new clothes? Just get a black shirt or dress and put on. Don't you watch foreign movies? Simple cloths and that's all.

Meanwhile, the church has projectors. Do not, and I repeat, do not print the funeral tribute books. No, not at all. Make use of technology. After the church service, people do not use them for anything. So just make your copy of the tribute to be read and give the soft copy to the operators of the projector in the church to project. My pictures could be on slideshow in the course of the service. My posters could be shared on social media but just save the cost of printing.

This reminds me, when I was born, just a handful were at my christening. While I lived, just a few attended my birthday parties upon invitation. Can you do same for me during my funeral? Yeah, I mean a small private funeral with just those who matter. The ideology of a big funeral showing wealth is an archaic school of thought. Please save yourself from the stress and cost of feeding over 500+ people I didn't know in personal life. After my interment at the grave, you guys should go home and reflect on the life I've led if there's anything good to take from it. Do not party, do not feed a multitude, else people won't like what they find themselves eating.

I'm doing all these cos the important part of my living is wandering in the spirit world. What lays in the mortuary is just a container (konko). Pure 'borla' of no worth. The cemetery is a human dumping ground. How many of you would spend a lot when going to dispose rubbish. None. Apply this theory and thank me later. I wish not for you to be financially stranded after burying me.

Return to work and be productive. Make society a better place and while you are at it, know that I love you and want the best for you. I may not see my burial proceedings but play the best of hymns you can in my honor.

Enjoy the land of the living.....

Yours dearly,

A deceased member

PS: Please come and take me out in two weeks, the longer I stay here, the more you pay.